My Dear Hilary,
Trumbo was one of my favorite movies of last season. I even saw it twice! It looks like this year might be the worst bio-pic year to date. They have all been pretty shitty films. Maybe they wanted to get all the crap out of the way so the exciting bio-pics can shine in the fall. Can FloFoJen pull the bio-pic genre back from the dead? I am sure we will chat about that later.
The Free State of Jones will have a strong following in the "Make America Great Again" states! Walmart's isles will be empty during this films run and Stuckey's parking lots will be void of domestic rust buckets with trunks held shut by a clothesline! The women folk will wanna see McConaughey, because, McConaughey, and the men folk will wanna watch how they too can start their own independent state because," 'bama is comin' fer my guns!" and "those Homo-Queers wanna pee on my wife and daughters in Target!" That being said, I will probably be seeing this movie if it comes to town.
My choice for Ticking Time Bomb of 2016, which I might regret, is, Nice Guys. Hear me out. The producers have been pushing this acting duo SINCE this year's Oscars. Brainwashing the combo of Crowe and Gosling into the minds of the masses. This action, having two co-stars from a summer movie presenting at a winter awards show, is a desperate attempt by the producers to get people interested early because they know the film sucks. And who wants to watch a bloated Russell Crowe, who is giving Val Kilmer a run for the Brando Award for Fat Bastard, go around and punch people. Boring. Also, I am not in the Ryan Gosling camp. He just does not do it for me. The only reason I will be seeing this flick is the art direction. I LOVE movies set in LA in the 70s. There is something comforting about it. The colors, the textures, the drugs, the seediness, the blatant disregard for any natural fiber in clothing. I adore it. Maybe in my past life I was a hustler or street junkie on Santa Monica Boulevard in the mid 70s.
Does MGM own the rights to Ben Hur? The studio produced the 1925 and Oscar winning 1959 versions, now this abomination? The first productions broke records and won awards. I doubt this remake, starring Jack Huston, who is from an Oscar royal family (great-grandfather, Walter Huston; grandfather, John Huston; and aunt, Angelica Huston are all Oscar winners) will receive any nods. The only nominations will be from the Razzies! If Ben-Hur does do well, will this be the beginning of studios remaking the classics? Are we going to suffer thru Casablanca starring George Clooney and Gone With the Wind featuring Megan Fox opposite Casey Affleck? Will the Oscar's go the way of the Tony's and start awarding awards for best revival?!? Now that's a novel idea!
My pick for How Did This Get a Greenlight??!??!? is Warcraft. This shit show of a movie was greenlit 10 years ago, then went thru ten grueling years of development hell and premiere delays. When it was greenlit, World Of Warcraft was at the height of interwebs gaming. Everyone was playing, apparently. But today there are only 5.5 million players. Even if all of the current orcs and wizards left their basement lairs in their mother's house and watched the movie on opening night, the movie would bring in roughly 70 million. It cost 160 million to make. As I watched the trailer, all I could think of was "What is this Shrek meets Tolkien meets Games of Thrones tomfoolery?" I have a feeling this will rank as one of the worst and underwhelming movies of the year.
Let me go fill my Sodastream, because I know I'm gunna be thirsty talking about the furry chested, sun kissed, Zac Efron. That hypnotizing smile. ::sip:: Those blue eyes to get lost in. ::sip:: That hirsute chest that makes me purr. ::gulp:: Those thick, juicy thighs that would make the Colonel proud ::glug:: And that ass, that perfect pert ass. ::chug:: I love Zac. I just do. I think he is a fine actor who will be bestowed several Oscar nominations and at least one win before his career is over. As for his films this summer, I have to say I am most excited to see Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates over Neighbors 2. Adam DeVine is right up there in the Zac stratosphere for me. He is adorable. From Modern Family to Pitch Perfect, Adam has always caught my attention on screen. His delivery of any line makes me giggle. Add Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza to the mix, and you get a fucking funny ass summer movie that I am looking forward to and i predict will be a box office hit. Can't wait to be in the AC cooled theatre with a large, cold Sprite in my hand, a large warm buttery popcorn by my side, cooing at a shirtless Zac Efron.
One question for you before I go, are you looking forward to any documentaries this summer? There are a few out there on my radar.
Now, Hil, back to you.
Cheers
Stephen
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